Walking on Air

 

8-21-22    Dreams - Meditations - Speaking to God about Nick 

Was hoping for something ecstatic or joyful, but no, frustrating dreams.  Said the Holy Mass for him again. 

Something about my vehicle.  Working on it so hard.  It looks OLD, like 1975, but it’s a high quality car.

I did all sorts of improvements to it, my male friends helped.  I thought it was set to go.

I get into the driver’s side & first, the seat adjustment is not right, I have to bend down to the floor & work, work, work on it.  I fear I might push the wrong knobs & the car might take off & crash somehow, but it’s OK.

Then I get to this cage.  It’s long like an oval {widest in the center, like 6” but it tapers down to a point top & bottom, the entire thing maybe 1.75’} tube in front of me, black, & I have to get this cage away from my wheel, - there’s something inside it.  I work & work on it, to no avail.

There are some young men in front, walking by, one is much larger than the others.  I’m hesitant to ask them to help but finally I do.  I say,

“How can I drive this car with this cage in front of my wheel?’

I guess I ask them for help but don’t see the results. 

          ***{OLD VEHICLE, FRUSTRATING CAGE WITH SOMETHING IN IT IN FRONT OF ME, CAN’T GET GOING ALTHOUGH WE PUT LOTS OF WORK IN THIS CAR.  See a group of young males in front, one of them big, think of asking for help, don’t see results:

The ‘old car’ is the ancient relationship, started in 2011, which you worked on so hard to attain.  But it didn’t work because of his drug addiction, which is the cage with someone in it in front of you.  It stood between you & the wheel, the wheel being the thing that would make it happen.

Adjusting your seat over & over is adjusting your mind & heart to the changes – fearing the relationship would CRASH or end.

But in spite of all the work, the adjustments, you cannot get this relationship to go because of his drug addiction, the cage with him in it.

He is the BIG or important young man with the group of guys in front of you – you ask him for help after a while – but Nick never gave help, he didn’t try, so the relationship never got going, it failed.  His group of guys were enablers.  They were half the problem. 

Then there was some sort of women’s association, & we met.  In the end they have a Church meeting, a Holy Mass in a Church.  I went through there but for some reason, do not participate.  But I do, when walking through, kneel before the altar & Bl. Sacrament as do all Catholics.  But somehow, are they Protestants & don’t do the Holy Mass the way we do?  Something mysterious here, as I would always participate in a legitimate Mass, receive the Body & Blood of Jesus & Mary.

 

***{GROUP OF WOMEN, PROTESTANT SERVICE:  This is important & you never thought of it.  All these people, including all the women mourning, are saying they’re praying for the family, the parents & his gf & child, etc.  Not one single person posted to PRAY FOR HIM, HIS SOUL, HAVE MASSES SAID FOR HIM!  Except for you, his soul would be greatly in need of prayers, as are all the Souls in Purgatory, but Protestants wrongly believe people go either straight to Hell or Heaven.  And that leaves only one person from all these ‘friends’ actually doing the right thing – you!  Wow!  You are all he has to help him, when he was alive & in death!  No wonder God sent you to him!}***

…………………………………….

 

Meditations on Nick

 

Last night as I sat meditating I saw the whole series of torturous things Nick did to me.  Looking only at these one would throw up their hands & say,

“It isn’t worth it!  Drop this man, he hates you, he doesn’t love you, he’s hurting you!  Stop loving him, stop bothering with him, find some else!”

 

Which is what most people told me to do.  But there was no one else in my heart.  After feeling really down & sunken, it then came to me, something someone said on Forensic files, re criminals who hurt & murder others. 

This lawman said something like,

“These are always love-hate relationships.  The person loves someone & because they do, when their love is rejected, they hate the person & do this to them.”

He was speaking of criminal behavior & grievous harm.

 

It then came to me – I already knew it before but had forgot – that I was a representative of a Mom or caregiver.  This Mom did not PROTECT him from the abuse.

Our affair was complicated with several components.  One part was his anger toward Mom.  I was the surrogate, he took it out on me.  Next, part 2, he wanted to make me jealous.  He wanted me to keep chasing him & suffer through jealousy, {when I got over the addiction part years later, he had no power over me.}

But while we were together he vented his anger against Mom, I was the whipping post, the target, I served that purpose.

Why did he do it?  Because he knew he could, that I loved him so much I would forgive him again & again, so he could use me many times to vent his rage.  This was a

SERVICE to him, it relieved his pain, a therapy.  How dare, not love me Mom?  How dare you permit this man to abuse me?  This puts me in a rage, I need to vent, somewhere, somehow, on someone. 

 

          Now meanwhile, the occasional trysts.  These reinforced both our love & kept me addicted.  The time he had a big change of heart, when we didn’t see each other for 7 months due to circumstances, he wrote his repentance piece, “Cocaine & Broken Bottles.”

          This affected our Mystical Marriage when I accepted his repentance.  But during the affair, he would reinforce our love by seeing me every 4 or 5 weeks – just enough to keep it going, not enough to satisfy me or make me feel secure, keeping me on tender hooks.  And in between that, torture.

          What kept me going?  When I saw him, from day One, I would go into a trance.  It happened spontaneously, that thing where

          “I have often walked, on the streets before, but the pavement always stayed beneath my feet before, all at once am I, several stories high, knowing I’m on the street where you live.”

          They call it WALKING ON AIR, you don’t feel the ground under your feet, you are in another world, lighter than air, you float.  This happened EVERY TIME we were together, & he knew he had to reinforce that in order to use me.  Yes, he was in love, he told Stephanie Barret – she

told me.  He said it to me & in front of his friends, I recorded the date, it’s on my site under ‘Journal’.  He was in love too, but the way he was in public made people think otherwise.  So he accomplished two principles at once, he had sex with me, got the love he needed, he also got to vent his rage on me, two services given.

           For me – just love.  It brought me to my knees – I began having anxiety attacks in late 2016, then several heart attacks.  Not saying he was 100% the cause of my heart attacks, because clogged up arteries are most of it – but he brought them on more quickly than they would have come.

 

Speaking with God – What Good Came out of This for Me, for Him 

          MG {Mother God}:  For you, think of life AS A TEST.  Each challenge, situation, mountain to climb, is a test of your love & virtue.  Each test you show love & virtue, you PASS, might get a MEDAL.  All this adds to your brightness in heaven. 

          So what was this test?  Your love.  Here a guy loves you but persecutes you because he needs to vent on his Mom.  You don’t realize that at the time – it took a few years to figure – but you love him so much, no matter what he does, you forgive.  Most of the gals he bedded he treated badly – the only one he was halfway decent to was the drug enabler, & it wasn’t because he loved her, it was the drugs.  All the rest of them he used & abused, & these females just walked away after a couple times, different ones according to how they felt.  Some kept taking his abuse a bit more, some left him after one slap in the face.  But you broke the record.  And also, he tried harder with you than them, to keep it going. 

          ME:  I just thought of a comparison, Mother God, to what he did to me.  A torturer I have seen a few times on the crime shows will strangle a person until they pass out or almost pass out.  They let them come to life, then strangle them again.  Is this what he did to me? 

          MG:  Psychologically, yes.  Who had more endurance than you?  A lifetime of torture by various individuals made you strong.  The person that can handle the most, bear the most for love is the strongest.

          I know what you’re thinking, what about being the stupidest?  Like the smart person walks away after a couple blows, the dummy stays there & takes it.

          It’s RESILIENCE.  Jesus was an itinerant preacher his entire life, during the time he left from age 12 to 29 & spent in India preaching, & later, after he recovered from the Cross, returned to India to preach again.  He suffered greatly but kept working.  He never took revenge, never hated.  He was tortured in various ways, his life was under threat dozens of times, but he never quit.  That’s strength & resilience.

          You chose your battles.  You don’t have to do every deal that comes along.  You do certain things that match up with God’s will – that’s it, nothing else. 

          For him, he had a terrible need, to know someone loved him.  Neither of his parents did.  When one abuses, the other abandons, you know how that hurts.  It puts a person in a difficult place, nowhere to turn to.  His case was more intense than yours, he turned to drugs.

          You loved him.  That was all he needed – True Love.  You proved yourself.  You told him you loved him, & you did, through it all.  He was unable to give back the True love you needed in life, weakness & drugs disabled him.  That’s where the dream previously, in his little house, says he was ‘unable to work’.  Upon death he appeared to you, free of drugs, now he could love you freely, & he does. {In his song to you, cocaine & Broken Bottles, he says ‘I wanted to be free – but free I’ll never be’.  He’s not with anyone else – it’s you.

          {You notice that since the time you stopped chasing him he has put his poems & posts on face book, speaking of death again & again.  “Death is calling my name,” – many variations on death & paying the devil after one lost their soul to him.  He had given up on life.  You were the one that made him want to live, you gave him a purpose, a hope.  When you were gone, that was gone.}         

          ME:  He paints a pretty picture of how we could have been together on earth, but upon further thought I think he would have relapsed if his friends came over, that is, if I allowed them visits including camping, hiking, barbeques, all of that.  I would have bought him an ATV & a Snowmobile.  He said he would have had fun.  But in my opinion, 99% of his friends take drugs, & they would have brought these drugs, & he would have relapsed.  So I’m not sure how much fun he would have with only me, as he’d be safe with me, but he likes to have what he calls ‘fun.’ 

          MG:  It would not have been easy, a hard patch to hoe, & if he stayed with you, had fun only with you, that would have kept him off drugs.  But being the weak person that he is, he would have lied to you & begged to go here or there where he’d end up with the same bunch & relapsed, & the same as you said, if his friends came here, they would have brought drugs.  You would have spent the rest of your life tending to the biggest baby you ever had – in & out of rehab & relapses, it would have shortened your life, it was not God’s will.