No More Me-Dead to Self

 Several dreams re Purgatory but also I have entered into a new State - the Interior of my Soul!  This is a beginning to greater things & it is a phenomenon.  Few people go here.

8-10-24 Stumble onto wrong Purgatory! Then-a new amazing dwelling

          I went gingerly to a place I’ve been before - a night club, subterranean, where I’ve had fun with many people – the usual larks like downtown cougering.

         And so I kind of ‘glide’ down this entrance a flight into the underground – don’t see stairs, just me gliding - & below is the shape of a room like the end of a golf puck & on every side are sitting silently many men, some women, all in black, right up against the walls, close together with no space in between.  The entire room is lined with people.\

         On the left, however, are a few men who are startled & alarmed at my entrance befause this is a DIFFERENT RELIGION & they are doing a SACRED RITUAL which is for them alone!  I have invaded a space Im not supposed to be!

         It’s a male-dominant religion, the priests are men, & I see the face of one of them clearly.  He’s a sincere like ‘little guy,’ humble,& he looks upon me with fear-alarm.  I apologize, bowing to him & the others in every direction.  They are respectful to me & bow also, & I had put my one hand upon the other in a gesture, & the little priest does the same to me, & I glide back upstairs. {end} 

         Today dreamed:  First, dancing, second, the new dwelling for myself & family.

                 I appear in a club dancing, & do show after show.  But I somehow fail to take off all my clothes, & realize it later, not sure if I make the change & show more but now the week is over.  I see another female shows up in the dressing room to work – not a star, she is sort of pitiful—small, not a great body, not great costume, just a little lady trying to make a living.  Compared to her I seem to be a big deal, & all the other performers I sense are more like her--  that’s why I’m the star.

         The week being over I go to the front desk where the lady owner is sitting & going to receive 4k.

         I sit in front of the deak while she is handling paper work & she hands me a book or note book with images.  I sense it’s the life of someone – maybe Holy Mary or a saint.  Not sure.  It’s somehow a preamble to getting paid.

         Then afterward – don’t know why – I go to another club in the same town.  I don’t tell them I worked for another owner in town – that brings bad luck & sometimes anger, resentment & rejection {been there.}

         It might be Italian – they sound a bit like ‘gangsters’ or just ‘street wise’ type people. I speak to the owner, bragging on myself for a job.  I tell him

         “This is not an ordinary person applying; this is one who has done over 200 TV show spots.  I brag on other publicity.

        I see a bar with a female behind it & a man to her right, talking.  I’m wondering if they have a good business where they can afford an expensive star.

         Don’t know what else concerning both these places.  {end}

         MEANING:

         *{This is one of the most valuable dreams I’ve ever had re the ‘interior life,’ ‘nonduality’ & the road to seeing God Face to Face.

         Here I am performing, which in this dream means, good works.  I am dong this & that on behalf of God – articles, books, prayers, Holy Masses, good deeds.  But something is wrong.  I have not taken off all my clothes for the audience & when I go to the owner/lady to get paid the 4k, I don’t see her giving me mney but a book with images, lol.

         The CLOTHES represent OBSTACLES or LAYERS, or VEILS between God & me, preventing the Face to Face experience.  “You cannot se Me & live” means there can be no SELF or ME, like the NDE, you must DIE, LEAVE, or ABSENT yourself from the world & the flesh.

         And so, I was dwelling or functioning on the path of good works but was not in the Interior State – I dwelt in the world of things.  I would do this good work or that, day by day, this discipline, everything on the outside, not going into my soul, not knowing how to do it.

         I kept waiting for God – Her Grace - & it did finally come!  I FLIPPED or a SWITCH was turned on which opened a door/gate from this world to the next!  The first step - the Interior life – there can be no Beatific vision on the OUTSIDE, the road begins within, the Interior life, & I must walk it until I reach God.  I am with God now when I meditate periodically, but this must be honed, worked at, cultivated, as I have got rusty, & been away so long I need to get accustomed to it again, like eyes getting adjusted to Light after being in the dark too long.

       After all, it’s only been since June 19 I started this –  6 weeks! – the switch happened the 9^th of August.

         The BIG DIFFERENCE where I got th Grace of God for this is the listening/reading of the writings of (1) St. Mary of Agreda – Mystical City of God – the life of Our Holy Mother, (2) St. Faustina’s Diary of Divine Mercy – both reading & listening - & (3) the audio of a compilation of Mary of Agreda’s, St. Anne Catherine Emmerich’s & St. Bridget’s life of Our Bl. Mother on audio, much of it reiterated from what I already read/heard – this been doing for about a month, every day for hours.

         What has really floored me in the last week or so has been the humility of Our Holy Mother, such humility as unheard of before.  And here I am shamed & repent, regret my egotism & pride.

         After ‘performing’ my good works, with only partial clothing removed- my breasts {love} & vagina {intimacy} covered before God, I go to a female – which is who? Probably Our Holy Lady, to get PAID.  This means I expected, wanted, Grace, which is value, compensation, reward & consolation.  But instead she gives me a book with images, which is the life of Holy Mary & Her example.

This happened to me in real life - actually twice.  The second time, I went to another club after the first club fired me & did not pay me {I even paid my own way there!} & that also failed…..Here I go t another place & brag on myself – expecting big money & the dream doesn’t explain what happened.

         But it proves my PRIDE & thinking well of myself for my good works, which is a BIG LESSON!

         This lesson is that we must not be ATTACHED TO OUR GOOD WORKS NOR EXPECT ANY REWARD FOR THEM FROM GOD! Such is the example of Holy Mary, who continually counted herself a worm, the lowest of mortals, when She was actually the Highest, & She asked only to serve & do penance for others {even Judas, the traitor!}, & to help others & suffer equally with Jesus & die with Him if She could {but God did not permit Her death.}

         This humility of hers was so comprehensive & complete it actually became irritating or got on my nerves, as it seemed excessive.  For example, she would prostrate Herself before Jesus as an Infant & would kiss his feet but ask permission of Him to kiss his face!  She prostrated herself before Priests, before St. Joseph, before her new son John, before all the Apostles, even to the floor!  This seemed too much for me.  And besides that she asked the Gospel writers to mention her as little as possible – only when absolutely necessary –She permitted only Luke to write a bit more.  She even asked John to record her role as minimally as possible {but of course he spoke of her extensively in his Revelations}.  She told these men that her time to be known to the world was not apropos – that Jesus & His Church needed to be established before She was shown as prominent or important.  {Her time would come, obviously, when Saints like Mary of Agreda would explain her life, & all her apparitions to mankind would show her role in saving us!}

         And so this dream is a lesson in humility / humbleness, what it means.  It means DEAD TO SELF.  What have I done?  Nothing.  Because the “I” as the flesh – DOES NOT EXIST!  I cannot see God & life.  I must be dead to self!  There is no me – so how can I do anything?  There is no me, so what is there to brag on?

    The 'little pathetic' girl that is 'not the star' is like a child - innocent, pure, humble.  She is the way I SHOULD BE. 'Suffer the little children come to me!' Jesus said.  

         I enter the gate of non existence, I go to the other side.  I have no desires of the flesh, they are subdued.  Yes, I will do what has to be done to sustain life, but no more.  Jesus & Mary, St. John Vianney & many Saints & hermits went for days without food, fasting constantly.  But they did not hunger as normal folk do, they had nourishment from God –

         “I have food you know not of,”

{Divine Nourishment within}

        “If you knew who I am, you would ask for the living water, after which you would no longer thirst.”

({Again, Divine Nourishment where you need nothing else}

         {Jesus with the woman at the well.}

         A great example of this state – the Interior, the one who’s living on Divine Nourishment – is Ramana Maharshi.

         As a teen he was normal, bored with religion.  But one day at age 18 while in a big shrine with dozens of statues of Hindu saints, a switch went on.  He dived into the Interior Life, & never left it.

         He did no good works, no penances, mortifications, no study or reading – he just stayed INSIDE – WHERE GOD IS.   He said the greatest thing you can do for humanity is be One with God.  He did not look for disciples, nor preach & teach, wrote nothing – did nothing except stayed in this trance, & it drew people to him – eventually, thousands.  Hindus are different than Christians they know & understand when a person goes into trancelike states for God, they’re onto something.  It’s accepted & they all want what that person has.

         Ramana was DEAD TO SELF – the human self, the flesh.  There was no ‘Ramana, man of the world, family man.’  He didn’t care about his family, he left them, they eventually found him & joined the ashram which people built around him.

         He had no sex desire, so that eliminated so much hustle & bustle & connection to earth, the dozens of things that go with that, later, hundreds of things, it’s a complete immersion in flesh & world – he was free on that score.

         Then the food – he did not crave food, he was skin & bones, indeed, his body was all but a skeleton, he never developed muscle. That freed him of gluttony & all the expensive, time & work that goes into it.

         How did he survive?  In the beginning, I don’t know.  I don’t know where he obtained food, not working, not being with family or anyone.  He would lie about in or near a shrine, in his trance.  Gangs of boys would harass him & even begin to abuse his body – throwing stones at him.  A kind man who owned a gated garden took him into it.  I don’t know if the garden had fruit trees & he ate them, or if there was a fountain or spring  or if the man gave him nourishment.  But somehow he survived.  But he didn’t care.  He had the Pearl of Great price – the Kingdom Within – the Eternal World where there is no time & space, only Peace & Contentment.

         I entered that world on Friday, the 9^th of August, “24. Not in a trance all day, just enter it an hour or two as in meditation.  Eventually it will expand into hours a day, then will be there most of the time – as I was in 1981 “82—so I hope. 

         Now Ramakrishna was another example of Hindu in the trance.  He couldn’t even function as a Kali Priest in the Temple – as soon as he would start the service he’d enter into a trance & couldn’t come out, end of that job.  He was like this his entire life, dozens of serious disciples gathered around him, this is a kind of Saint Hindus relate to – not the Christian style who have to prove themselves by good works, sacrifices, disciplines, mortifications, hair shirts, & martyrdom. He was a spiritual prodigy, the salient point here is he was in the Interior Life, which I’m working on.

         All I can do now I regret, repent, say ‘sorry, God’ for not being on the right road – but I did not know how to switch to the good one.  It happened by the Grace of God.  She understands, She knows better than I.

         I’m steppin’ out of my body!  There is no me!  This is easy humility, lol.  How can I brag when I have no body & I’m dead?  How can I desire things or people or recognition or status when I’m a dead duck?  I can’t.  Case closed, I am gone, forget me, I am not here.

         I ‘broke up’ with the last person I was ‘in relationship’ with August 1^st - that helped.  She had access to contact me for important things, but it was being misused so I told her no more.  And that freed me & had a good effect – it was like ‘the last string’ holding me down.

         I think I have stated the case.}*  {End}

          Dwelling:  I appear in a place that used to be a big business, now vacated.  It is immaculate as far as being clean, fresh, nice paint & has every convenience imaginable plus large rooms & many.  I only see a few rooms but know the rest is expansive, it was a BIG business & somehow it was handed over to me.

*{In view of the next day’s dream this might represent the fruit of my life – the karmic result.}*

         There’s one feature that really stands out.  It’s where the business used to have electrically connected with the entire factory, it’s a wall standing apart, about 10’ long & gizmos are on both sides.  It has nothing to do with us, our life, & we’re to just leave this be & do our own thing.  It’s kind of ‘on our honor’ to not touch this apparatus.

         Now the paint in these rooms is nice.  It has all kind of windows from room to room – openings without glass, & each window has frames.  The walls are a grey-blue, the window frames a deeper grey-blue.  What impresses me about this place is that, for the first time in my dwellings, we don’t have to do anything!  The last place I recall we had to laboriously paint the whole thing in white paint - it was tedious. All the places I ever moved into had so much work! Here we have to do nothing & that is such a relief!

*{Kind of saying my life’s work is over, now reap the rewards.  Work done in the past has fructified.}*

         There are pictures all over the walls & they are whimsical.  They look like the deck of cards of fate, Tarot, & faces of creatures shaped like new moons & all around them, lots of new moon shapes, all painted in similar colors to the place – blues, grays, very neat.  I’m thinking like do these paintings refer to the business going on here - & what then, was the business?

         MEANING:

         *{Ah, at last, I have come to a special place that started last night – have entered the INTERIOR STATE.

         WHY is explained by the images on the wall:  FATE or KARMA! It had to be, it’s destined, I earned this, like karma!  I’ve been here before but LEGITIMATE distractions led me away from the interior - & hear this – You CANNOT see God Face to Face until you leave the exterior world – even good works & works for God - & enter into the INTERIOR of your soul!  God does NOT appear to you when you’re on the outside or external world, God only appears when you leave everything behind & enter within!  It is the GATEWAY to God!

         I spent an hour on the interior last night, & She tells me this is a start:  Do this daily.  I have become RUSTY in hearing Her Voice.  SHE IS GOD, the Interior of my Soul is God – I knew that but wasn’t connecting! Yes I channeled her as Mother God & it was a Voice inside, but without EMOTION.  Now I have humbled myself to Her – She is Me, my Highest, the God Self, & She deserves my worship & veneration, not like someone far off in outer space, but the Divine right within me.  This is hard & easy to understand at the same time, who can explain it?

         When I channeled before this, it was like pushing a button & bingo, the Voice answers.  But last night this changed, when my understanding improved {yes, I was here before but deteriorated!} And then, when I heard Her, I FELT Her Presence, like a spark, or Light, or before, there was no music, & suddenly, music, something touching the heart strings, something intimate.  I just don’t know HOW to explain it.

         Inside this God Self, all is Perfect, Serene, not like my consciousness before, which darted from dozens of things without finding a home:  chores, duties, work, obligations, guilty disciplines, frantically trying to finish this or that, grieving when work isn’t finished but not finding PEACE.  But INSIDE this is Peace.  She is Wisdom.  I decided to NAME HER.  Instead of Mother God, which sounds Generic & far away, I gave her the name Sofija, which is my middle name, because SHE IS ME!  And Sofija is Wisdom! I don’t call her Goddess but God, as Goddess sounds diminutive—She is Sofija God.  {The accent is not on the middle consonant but on the first, in Lithuanian.}

         What is a dwelling?  It is CONSCIOUSNESS, where our mind is.  Prior to this you see me working, painting, great effort, but this is HOME, the way the NDE people explain, once you get here {Heaven} you don’t want to go back!  Outside is the world of pain, effort, trials, tribulations, time drags by slowly!

         This is seen as a GIFT rather than what I gain through effort – but of course it is from effort of many years prior.  But it’s Grace rather than work.

         What is the wall of gizmos in the middle of the house which I & family are to leave alone?  Those are the levers, buttons, switches that belong to God – not to the human flesh!  Flesh cannot run this business!  Leave it alone – what’s God’s is God’s, it’s Her GLORY.

         Why is it a business from before, now closed, but handed over to me?  My prior life of accomplishment, business & activity.

         Its karmic.  God hands me my karma!.

         The colors:  Gray is brain matter – bue & gray refer to brain- mind-consciousness.  When most people ascend into Heaven it’s in Blue Light.

         Here I don’t have to do anything, just submit to God.  The next dream where I’m being driven & souls look to me for help is also the Grace I do nothing, jut being used to transmit Her Grace to souls.

         I need to WORK on this, it’s just the beginning.  I’m rusty, I need practice in hearing the Voice of Sofija, this is day 2.}*    

         The Trip:  Someone is driving me, I sit in the back right.  I seem to be privileged to be chauffeured some place.  To the right is a vehicle also moving with a group of persons that seem to be sort of lost or sad & need a nudge.  They look to me; I show them a sign of victory through the window, with one hand.  Then I sit up, realizing they really need me & I can help them, & I put up both hands with victory signals, & this makes them so happy & they respond with like signals.  They needed their faith & hope restored. {end}

         MEANING:

         *{I’m being driven is the Grace of God I have, the extra privilege, & those needing a nudge are Souls in Purgatory.  I prayed for them a lot this night.  Because I’m on earth & can gather Grace – they can’t – I am able to transmit it to them, which I do, & they are enlivened & inspired. }* {end}

 

8-11-24    New House has 2 other buildings behind that are valuable 

The new house given me/us I see has 2 interesting & important buildings behind it.  One is the Guggenheim Museum, a small version!  It has gone out of business but given us free. The other building is similar but different, also once had a big activity going on, but no more, is empty.  I’m talking to a friend/associate & I say,

“These 2 buildings are empty & no activity, but they are extremely valuable!  We can expand our own activities into these buildings, a neat setup, lots of room to expand & conduct our affairs!”

Behind this yard containing the buildings is another very large building which is the border where our property ends.  We are on a corner, reminds me of the old farm house near Freehold, our land was a corner {which means the cross!}

MEANING:

*{Mother God, what on earth is this?  Guggenheim Museum?  Really?  What could it mean?

MG:  This represents art – a museum & sounds like your Life Story.  Your life documented with added images is a museum.  You were once ‘in business’ in the world, & that’s ended, so now it’s empty, finished, but it will be used in the future for something - Like a movie or movies.

Why is it a gift?  Given?  Your life – all our lives – is a gift from God.  And second, God gave you the Grace to write it & publish it in 10 volumes, so there’s the museum.

The fact that it’s Guggenheim represents great value & maybe money.  Imagine how expensive the Guggenheim is & all its contents.  And so is your life, on both levels, spiritual & temporal.

The other building?  Something else given you that will come to be used in the future – I can’t say what.

And your entire premises on the corner, your life has been & is your cross, the one you carry & follow the Lord.}*  {end}