Face Behind the Mask

 

 

8-20-22 Nick With Me – His Purgatory but Still United

 

        I will on purpose put images of him I took where he's not acting, relaxed, but looking unhappy or even mad - because the real him was not the jolly fellow all the homies are speaking of, when he's high on substances.  This was a troubled person with a lot of pain, which made him take the drugs that killed him.

      This is probably a result of saying the Holy Mass for him yesterday {said it again today} – I was upset yesterday as I had prayed but could not get a dream on him.  He was somehow ‘missing’ in presence, although I did speak to him, but other than that, no sense of him being near.  I attributed it to being bombarded by hundreds of people thinking, grieving, longing for his presence – this would be like ‘stoning’ or assaulting our Spiritual Edifice {we are together} & interferes with communication, the way static jams a radio broadcast.

          However, the dream of this night/day explains to me what is going on, & I am edified & comforted.

The Dream of Nick’s Purgatory

 

         The beginning is I see a young lady arriving, from another country, to my left, getting on a bus.  She’s trying to be accepted in this ‘new world’, trying to survive.  She is sincere; I get a innocent feeling from her.  She looks like maybe 22 yrs old, wearing a soft light colored, loose white dress with maybe a small flower print all over it.  She wears glasses.  I see her later in the dream but it’s vague.  She’s to my left, the bus is pointing left.

 

***{MY LEFT, FOREIGN FEMALE ARRIVES:  This is me, someone different, age, lifestyle, arriving downtown on a journey {bus} to obey what God told me – quit celibacy & ‘have fun.’  I am sincere & have good intentions.}***

 

          Next, something about a farm or extended property. You have to go on a road upward to get here – I’ve vaguely been here before, it’s a dirt road leading here.  What I notice most of all is the small house, which is like a guest house but it’s the crudest, most primitive house you can imagine, like made of cinder blocks, then plastered, then painted white on the bottom, about 4’ & the roof starts a couple feet higher. 

          It’s one floor, one room, the roof is triangle, not high.  I imagine inside is nothing but the bare necessities & in it is living a man who CAN’T WORK because he’s like me – now disabled {but I don’t know from what, myself, I had heart attacks & legs hurt when I walk} & he is here by the good will of the people who own this extended property.  I see their house off to the left, its one floor, brown wood, I just glance at it, the feeling is a large house & property. They needed someone to work for them & this man can’t work.  But I put in a word for him, telling them he can be of use to them, maybe as a sentinel,– another set of eyes.  I don’t see the people, them interacting with me or him, like its all mental transactions.

          Now this man & I are walking together away from his little house in front of it by the road & toward the large house, not to it, but in front of it, just walking.  He looks exactly like my previous hairdresser, an old gay man I had a falling out with but we reconciled.  White hair is a step up from grey, grey is stress, white is total stress.

This man is no longer at the place he used to be – he’s either dead or retired. {This probably tells me he's dead, like Nick, here is the similarity} 

          ***{SMALL HOUSE ON LARGE PROPERTY, WHITE HAIRED MAN WE HAD A FALLING OUT BUT RECONCILED:  This is Nick & it’s the most telling symbol in this dream.  It explains how we are together.  He’s in Purgatory but his domain or consciousness of God is limited, while mine is large, his little ‘house’ vs. my large one & extended property.  He’s present with me, but not on the same level, but he’s here, & walking with me is because he knows I love him.  He’s PART OF ME.

          This answers my confusion of him saying he was in heaven with me.  But what about his Purgatory? I thought.  He said over & over,

          “As long as I know you love me, I’m happy.”}***

 

          I see men around, some are soldiers.  I look behind me & one of them is stocky, like 5/9” or 10”, about 250 lbs, his uniform is medium light brown.  Where there should be medals there are none – either he never got any or they were taken away.  He seems to be more than a ‘private’ as I see spaces above his heart where medals should be, it’s like rows of little black squares where the insignias should be under there but they aren’t. He’s some kind of rank above private but I don’t know what, if he’s enlisted, or was an officer. To me the most striking feature is the ABSENCE of medals.

 

          *** {MAN WITHOUT MEDALS:  I’m sensing this is a man very close to him – not a distant but close relative, who abused him as a child. He has REPENTED.  He beckons to me because I am the dominant person in this relationship with Nick.  He has to address me first by protocol or in other words, get permission to speak to Nick while I’m with him.  It’s that I am Nick’s  PROTECTOR.  So he tells Nick HE IS SORRY.  Being UP A TREE is being extremely upset, it’s being UP THE CROSS.  He wants Nick to know he is sorry. 

          The space above his heart has little black blocks or squares.  Instead of loving Nick, he didn’t – absence of love.

          This man has some resemblance to the man in real life who abused him, the heaviness is his attachment to the earth.  Fat usually means indulgence rather than abstinence or sacrifice.  Absence of medals is his ABSCENSE OF LOVE.}*** 

 

          Even though he approached me, the person he really wants to speak with is my companion.         

          This man is swarthy, thick black wavy hair, his skin is brown the way a Hindu would be brown.  At first he’s just walking, then he waves to me that he wants to speak to me.  I stop & pay attention.

          He now walks up to this bush, which is in my front yard.  It has only about 6 branches, each extending about 8”, not bushy, & somehow this heavy man is standing on one of the branches & telling my friend that they are related.  It’s distant, but he explains it.  Somehow this is striking – have no idea why.         

Then, somehow, I want to live in an adjoining small house to keep this white-haired man company.  It looks just like his house.  I think to myself,

          “I can manage.  As long as it is fortified against the cold for the winter {like his house made of cinder blocks, then plaster painted white} & has a stove inside, I can get basic amenities, I can survive the winter.  And since we’d be close to each other, we can visit, keep each other company.  My hut is a bit closer to the main house than his.  {Why I can’t move in with him I don’t know.}

          So I go look at this small house but to my surprise it is not how it looked.  I do see several structures, they are miserable, for animals only.  They are not fortified against the cold, they are half open.  One is on all 2’ stilts, the walls & roof above the stilts, filled with green plant material like hay but more green.

Another structure is half open to the outside, like wind, rain & cold – I do see an animal here or there, like a dog, running out of these places.

***{ME:  I need help here, Mother God.  What does this mean?

MG:  Keeping him company I don’t think refers to in Purgatory, it sounds like you thinking about the earth, how it would have been had you started up again.  This dream says it wouldn’t have worked. It would have DRAGGED YOU DOWN TO THE ANIMAL LEVEL!  When you were dating on & off all you did was wait on his convenience & pleasure, it was torture.  This would be also, he told you so himself, it was not God’s will - you would have a Purgatory that is unbearable, while he enjoys the security of the little house as mentioned.  Yes, he was a part of you then & still the same, he is joined with you.  But you must stay in your domain, you could not lower yourself TO THE ANIMAL LEVEL again!  It would have been too terrible for you - {not him!}}*** 

Then something strange.

Somehow I imagine myself & that foreign female setting up a hut, like I imagined in the first place, where we can invite several poor men like the friend spoken of, & we can do sexy private dances for them.  But they have to pay – not much.  Like we dance, they give us $10 to take off our tops.  Then maybe all naked, they give us $20.  This is cheap but these men are poor.  It’s a service we could provide.  The premises are tiny, we’re all poor, it’s just a way of love & survival.

But as I think about it I think what if it gets out of hand & these men rape us?  How could we prevent it?  So it’s just an idea that might not work.

 

          ***{HUT WITH PRIVATE DANCES:  This is the same theme just broached & it repeats the identical conclusion.  You could not set up a service where Nick could ‘get you cheap.’  Yes, you’re sincere & yes, you want to make him happy.  But being raped would be the conclusion, which means being used & violated.  No, it was not the answer to your relationship.  And no, he was unable, as we have repeatedly said, to fulfill the standards required to have a relationship with you – to make you happy as well as himself.}***

………………………………………….

 

Speaking with Nick Again:

 

OK so here we are.  You’re in Purgatory, on a lower level than myself, but you are WITH ME which makes me happy.  Describe what you are feeling. 

NICK:  My Purgatory is one of regret.  I regret my decision to stay with drugs & druggies, I could have been with you.

I wanted to use you for love & satisfaction, not caring how you felt, it was selfish & self-centered.

Yes, I could have done it, left them, but I didn’t.  How wrong I was.  In the song ‘Cocaine & Broken Bottles’ I said ‘I have made mistakes’ – ‘Here’s my heart & take it ‘cause all its done is break.’  My mistake was the decision, as I keep saying, to stay with them, not you.

You would have brought me out of my misery into a permanent high, like I’m feeling now, free of drugs.  Except for my regrets, I’m happy.

Yes, you could have made me a star.  Not a huge star like Drake because that would have meant full time for both of us, but a little star on the horizon, bigger than any of my peers.  I could have been in media & on TV as your boyfriend.  I could have jump started my rap music, performing on the TV shows.

I would have been in demand as a model, I would have done guest appearances on TV for various things like our relationship & my music – I could have performed on these shows.

I would not have had to work except on helping you around the house.  There would have been time for both, me being a little star, me helping you on your property, with you supporting me I wouldn’t have to work the drudgery job; I’d be riding the lawn mower on your lawn, lol.  I’d be on the ATV & a snowmobile, having fun.  You might even allow me to have my friends over occasionally on the riverfront, island, camping out, cooking on bonfires like Boy Scouts.  It did not have to be boring.

And I would have been drug free, not having to worry about getting illegal drugs, just drinking beer or maybe scotch once in a while – maybe even some grass but nothing hard or illegal.  What’s wrong with that?

I could have been happy, but I didn’t listen to God.  You taught me to pray then you asked me how did I do?  I told you God told me to ‘work on our relationship.’  But I didn’t.  That is a regret, that’s Purgatory. 

ME:  Anything else you regret? 

HE:  My whole life.  I could have been with you after we met again in 2014, when you asked me how I felt about you, & I said, to your shock,

“I want to marry you!”

Then a year later, you told me sex wasn’t enough, you wanted a relationship, & I said I was too young! {I was 23}

Then about 6 months after that I gave a relationship to another woman FOR DRUGS!

 

How awful could I be?  It broke your heart in two, but you forgave me again & again & kept on, after a while.  You couldn’t say no to me forever.  I was cruel.

 

ME:  But then the day came when I was no longer there.  The Covid fiasco hit, bars were closed, we had no way of communicating unless you called me, but you didn’t.  Why didn’t you call? 

 

HE:  Because I was spoiled.  I thought you’d find a way of communicating, reach me.  I was too lazy & proud to call, I kept waiting for you to take the bait.  Remember when I kept posting on face book to make you jealous?  Yes, I used jealousy as bait, but you didn’t bite.  I used the woman I was with & my child – the image of the happy family – to torture you into jealousy, but it didn’t work.  You kept seeing all these posts, felt pain, but God would warn you,

“He’s just doing this to make you jealous.”

So when one knows the other is doing it to make them jealous, it stops working.

This went on for a long time, & I gave up.  I put another name on my face book but you sleuthed it out.  And you noticed there were no more posts to make you jealous – none with my present gf & child – none.  I just spoke of the usual routine of nonsense that guys talk about. 

ME:  How long did it take you to realize I was not going to try to reach you & I was no longer chasing you, & then how did you feel? 

HE:  My whole world collapsed, I died inside.  I was in a state of grief that only substances could erase.

 ME:  But it as so easy to pick up the phone & call me.  At that time, I would have given in.  It took a while for me to close the door to seeing you under those conditions.  I had to get strong myself, but once I got to the point I was no longer addicted {to your physical touch}, my better judgment took over, I knew I could not continue as we had.  Then the door was closed. 

HE:  I wasn’t the brightest egg in the carton, I missed my chance.  My delusions were such that I thought you’d never get over me, you were my de facto slave, my doormat.  But life changed.  I was forsaken, yes, I was in misery.

ME:  today was your funeral.  There were a lot of tears, they are still posting dozens of letters a day on your face book.  According to them, they all loved & liked you.  But they didn’t help you get off drugs, they didn’t approve of me, they ridiculed your pics that I was going to use to make you a star, & when you posted music, they didn’t put likes.  How did these people actually show their love? 

HE:  I hate to even talk about these people, now that I see them clearly.  I forfeited you for them.  What a fool I was.  When you bring them up I feel great pain – all of them.  None of them helped me.  They were enablers to drugs, mostly.  Even those who were not addicts, they encouraged my affair with the female who enabled my drugs, most of them were against you, so they were all in plain sight, my enemies.

You were my only friend.  Who else pushed for rehab?  Who else could have & would have made me a star?  Who spent thousands of dollars on that book to make me a celebrity?  Who chased me to the point of suffering, while I tortured you?  No woman I had sex with suffered so much as you, although I was a cad with all of them.  But you I was the worst cad to.  And you forgave me again & again, your love was too strong.

I regret hurting you.  Why did I hurt you when we could have been happy?  So many years were wasted running around, doing nothing that meant anything, with people that were not on my side but on the side of the devil.  You came from God, they came from Hell.  I don’t want to talk about them any more, please.  It’s painful.

ME:  I will continue to do the Holy Masses for you & you will rise closer & closer to me & God.  Your Purgation will be over one day, I don’t know when, but it’s temporary.  All your pain will vanish.  All’s well that ends well.  Amen.

Pete - below is his little son, who is now 3, with cats, lol