By Ajax the Great (Pete Jackson)
(Originally posted on my "Vive La Difference" blog)
NOTE: This article is written primarily for a male audience.
One of the common "straw feminist" arguments often weaponized by anti-feminist and "manosphere" types to try to discredit feminism in general is one that only the most truly extreme fringe ultra-radical feminists (a vanishingly tiny few, nearly all from the second wave in the 1970s and early 1980s) have ever actually put forth with a straight face: some flavor of "under patriarchy, all (heterosexual) sex is rape". That statement is, of course, quite easy to refute, as it completely denies Women any agency at all over their own bodies and minds, and is thus infantilizing and demeaning to Women. And I don't go anywhere near arguments like that, so you will never hear anything like that from me.
Such patronizing and paternalistic nonsense really serves only to discredit feminism and Women in general, trivialize rape, throw out the baby with the bathwater, and put men in a reverse double bind (i.e. a duty to refuse sex, but no right to refuse)* as well, thus it has no place in the 21st century.
But what if there were a kernel of truth to such an extreme and absolutist argument? That is, not that it is necessarily rape, which a truly egregious violation of a Woman's bodily integrity and a desecration of the Sacred Feminine, but more like there is "no ethical heterosexual sex under patriarchy", much like the argument that there is "no ethical consumption under capitalism" (which is true, but obviously doesn't stop either gender from going shopping). Could a more nuanced case be made in that regard?
Well, I hate to be a buzzkill, fellas, but just like consumption under capitalism, heterosexual sex can never be perfectly ethical as long as patriarchy still exists. Sorry. The problem is systemic, and goes very, very deep. And unfortunately, just like we are living under "late capitalism", we are still living under some flavor of "late patriarchy", even in the most progressive, social democratic, and (relatively) gender-equal countries. (And certainly still in the USA!) But again, that doesn't stop either gender from going shopping, so is it possible for men to have sexual relations with Women while maintaining a (relatively) clear conscience?
The good news is it's a qualified yes, albeit imperfectly, provided that certain rules are followed. ("Wait, what? There's rules? I thought we dispensed with such stuffiness like so much bric-a-brac decades ago! Boooooo!") Relax, fellas. These rules are hardly oppressive, and actually tend to make sex better for both Women and men. Such rules may reduce the quantity and frequency of sex, but will more than make up for that in terms of the quality of sex. Plus, you actually get to LIVE with yourself, sleep well at night, and not have to constantly worry that you are literally playing Russian Roulette with your soul (!) in that regard. Here they are:
- First and foremost, be sure to obtain enthusiastic consent before proceeding, each and every time, and at each stage of escalation or changing to a different act. When in doubt, check in and make sure. In other words, if it's not a "HELL YEAH!", it's a "HELL NO!" Period.
- Always take NO for an answer. Period. Do NOT force, coerce, pressure, or manipulate anyone into sex.
- Do NOT objectify or degrade Women (or men). Always think in terms of "I and Thou", never "I and It". Or as Immanuel Kant would say, "Always treat humanity as an end in itself, never solely as a means to an end". (Contrary to the antisexual Kant, though, attraction per se does NOT automatically imply objectification.)
- Avoid anything one-sided or "selfish in bed," as it should always be mutual. After all, Women are human beings, NOT sex dolls or masturbation machines.
- Whoever has the yoni makes the rules. She is taking way more of a risk than you are, thus she is extending to you a much larger grace than you are to her. Look up to her, not down on her. Be sure to prioritize her pleasure!
- No cruelty, violence, or abuse of any kind. That should go without saying, before, during, and after.
- Do not be a deceiver. Honesty is always the best policy.
- Practice radical empathy. Try to actually see things from her perspective for a change.
- As Gabrielle Blair would say, "Ejaculate Responsibly". If you feel you must have penetrative intercourse, USE A CONDOM as "standard operating procedure", with any exception requiring serious justification.
- And above all, DO NOT abuse, violate, or desecrate children in any way, shape, or form! There is a special place in the Lake of Fire for those who do. Same goes for those who abuse animals in any way as well.
this should be deep. I will look at it later as I must shop for animals urgently
ReplyDeleteIndeed, it is quite deep. Thank you in advance 😊
DeleteIs Sex some sort of rape in patriarchy? Can it be ethical for women? Or are men always using women?
ReplyDeleteThere are a lot of problems with sex in Patriarchy, it actually gives me a feeling of ‘being sick’ when I think of all the problems occurring in a world where we women have been demeaned by men for millennia.
Here is the problem: It is in the minds of men. Most men are brainwashed animals. They are animals to begin with – selfish, self serving, & not nice when they are rejected. Add to that the Patriarchy telling them they are superior with more rights than us, we are inferior with fewer rights than them, & there you are. So what does that make sex between us?
And so, it will take millennia to un-brainwash men to realize women are superior, they are inferior, & they should kow tow to us – this cannot be done with a list of moral conduct such as you wrote out, Ajax, they will not listen or even READ what you said.
It’s like the Golden rules of conduct created by the great Saints including Buddha & Jesus. Yes if everyone followed them, our world would be heavenly. - So with your rules. But men won’t follow them – it will take many hundreds, even thousands of years, to change men back into the disciples of women – as they were in the first place. In the second place, they are Frankenstein monsters who have run away from their creators.
You cannot change the brains of men easily, it will take time, & so, having sex with them is like having sex {in general} – with machines filled up with delusions of reality. So what can we do about it? Just what we’re doing & hope some day from Heaven we look down & see big changes. Rasa
Well-said overall, Rasa. As I see it, even if most men are a lost cause, the few marginal ones that may be reading my writing (and yours and William's) can potentially be swayed for the better. It's basically protopia instead of utopia, make improvements at the margins gradually over time, unsexy (lol) as that may sound.
DeleteAnd one need look no further than any typical "bro culture" (to put it eloquently) podcast or TV show to see a textbook example of the shortcomings of so many men, all out there for the world to see. The lowlifes on that show think everyone is laughing with them, of course, and many are. But people like us, and anyone else even the least bit enlightened, is laughing AT them for being so benighted.
Best wishes 😊
Pete