Embodiment of God

Part XI  Woman Thou Art God  Installment Eleven  The New Religion - 9-9-19-

        Becoming God, Leaving God, Returning

    Woman, thou art God!  But you don’t always FEEL like God, at times you feel ‘down & out,’ – weak – vulnerable, mentally/emotionally ‘out there,’ you just call out to God saying,

    “Majesty, when I was strong I helped so many.  Now I’m weak, it’s the ‘dark night of the soul’ when Jesus was on the Cross & asked God why She had forsaken him, & soon thereafter, He passed out.

    I can no longer handle this, it’s too much for me, I need help, & no human can come to my rescue.  I ask you, through your angels & saints, to come to me & heal me of this anguish.”

    This was my state SO MANY TIMES when I was in love with a man – let’s call him Jeff.  His condition was like so:  In Richard Wagner’s ‘The Ring’ Goddess Brunhilde has displeased the Big Dad-God Volton, & he puts her on a cliff, as punishment, surrounded by a RING OF FIRE.  No man can get through that ring lest he be a HERO & meeting heroes happens less times than meeting zeroes, it takes a while, maybe a hundred years. But then Siegfried comes along & he’s got what it takes – he gets through the fire & saves the damsel – it’s a test of TRUE LOVE, like the kiss of the Prince who loved her truly in Sleeping Beauty.

    Jeff Jones was in that state – CURSED so badly that no woman could reach him unless she had a Sword of God so great that it would smite THIRTY DEMONS surrounding him, a task requiring formidable love & years of pain. 

    No woman infatuated with Jeff could endure his behavior.  Many wanted him (tall, handsome, sexy), he drove them away.

    It gets complicated.  We fell in love--age didn’t matter.  I liked young men, he loved older women.  But as I said, he was surrounded by demons, to put another way; he was infested or possessed by them, which means what?  Instead of acting like a normal person, his behavior was contradictory, like saying “I want to marry you”....telling people he was in love with me, asking people to have me speak with him, dance with him, but when I approached, he’d run away, then after running away, I go to my car & he’s there. Then he’d disappear for a month, telling people I was ‘obsessed’ with him.  He’d block me on all social media, give his number to every new girl he met but not to me, but then he’d search for me in the streets & pursue me for love, & this behavior went on for the LAST FIVE YEARS.      

    One female friend of mine was attracted to him, got him to have sex with her a few times, but the way he jacked her around gave her a nervous breakdown.  

    Before I met Jeff I had been celibate for thirty years.  God told me to ‘have fun’ & this experiment with ‘fun’ resulted in the affair.  It wasn’t fun.  I’m still uncertain as to why God wanted me to leave the place of peace I was in – men were no longer sex symbols but brothers.  God pushed me back into this quagmire of dating, drinking, sex & affairs, apparently, some good would come of it, it was God’s plan, but what was the plan?  

    This topic will touch many women, because 99+% have suffered, are suffering, or will suffer at the hands of men for LOVING THEM.

    I will not try to speak for many cases or other women, but only one case – my own - & you can draw conclusions if they apply.  If I even tried to cover more than this, I’d get lost in the effort.  I will stick to one case, one man, where it felt like I ‘fell from grace’ (but didn’t) & then, after years of torture peace returned.

    For the explanation, I will turn to Mother God within me, reminding me of Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane, on His knees asking God why He was putting Him through this torture.  Could God let this cup pass?  No?  OK, God, it’s your plan, your Will, not mine.  But what is the plan?  And Jesus saw the future, how many would believe, many would not, his Blood would save some, others would ignore it, there were good & bad results from His Sacrifice. (From the visions of Anne Catherine Emmerich, stigmatized mystic.  She was the one Mel Gibson got ‘The Passion’ from, he wrongly credited the Jesuits.  Women are often deprived of credit whatever they do.)

    I also was told by God in this case to leave Heaven or a place of tranquility – go back to the shallow, evil world, get attached, addicted to men & sex again, & especially, fall in love, in which case all my PTSD would come back because this was no blessed man, this was a man cursed into his own Hell, from which he had to be saved!  The ring of fire surrounding him would burn me!

    Me to Mother God:

    It has been troublesome to me or I should say confusing, as to why you sent me back into the world to experience THIS.  The stress of what I went through with Jeff led to a series of numerous anxiety attacks, severe ones, about fifteen.  Unknown to me possibly five of those attacks were actually HEART ATTACKS – the pain was so unbearable I almost passed out – I was near death they later told me I was a month away from it.

    During these years of being banished, pushed into ‘having fun’ I have many questions.

    There is a mystery here.  I am trying to figure out what’s been happening to me scientifically & spiritually during the time of ‘banishment’ by attachment to the world, flesh & especially earthly love.  

    At this time, I’m back with God.  The anxiety for Jeff is gone; I have none at all, I feel like a different person.  Anxiety is fear, it went away, it plagued & tortured me for five years.  When this left me I rose again into my God Self,  Jeff is on a shelf some place, not that I don’t love him – but without the anxiety I look at him & feel free, powerful, I AM GOD AGAIN. With the anxiety I felt weak, vulnerable, broken, diminished, unimportant, all HORRIBLE THINGS.  

    He now lives with a female which is a false front; it’s what he presents to the world on face book.  He sees me whenever he can find me in the city.  He ‘climbs my balcony,’ secretly like Romeo with Juliet.  I am the one he loves, but he uses the other girl the way he’s used women all his life.  Myself, he never asked for anything - with her, it’s understood that as long as she can support him, he’ll keep up the front.

Meanwhile, he writes poems to me on the internet, confessions & prayers explaining he’s made  mistakes, the pain, fear, demons plaguing him, repenting, asking my help, forgiveness, True Love & marriage –he can’t put my name, it would crash his front, people must be scratching their heads wondering who is he writing about?

    Because of these heart-wrenching disclosures, we had a meeting on Easter Sunday this year, April 21st, where I accepted his contrition, the call for Union, we were MYSTICALLY MARRIED by the HAND OF GOD.  I knew what this sort of marriage is, but it had never taken place between me & a living person– It had occurred between God & me, with Saints & Gurus several times.  Mystical marriage is PERFECT UNION where the two become ONE in a Sacrament – (Marriage is one of the Sacraments of the Church.)

    Prior to our marriage I would look at his face book with the other woman – now with a child - & feel sick, a sense of rejection, now I DON’T.  My feeling is one of INDIFFERENCE to his front; I see right through it, it doesn’t tweak my emotions.

    Before the Sacrament of Marriage, as I explained, I would look at him on face book & feel diminished, small, like I had to PROVE SOMETHING to him to be WORTHY OF HIM.

    If I got more famous would it help? (He’s a nobody, what a preposterous thought, he doesn’t deserve the degree of fame I already have.)  If I got wealthier would that do it?  (He hasn’t got a pot to piss in.)  If I got a face lift, would he want me more? (Stupid thought, all these thoughts are illogical, based on fear.  He likes older women, looking young again would be counterproductive.)

    These ridiculous thoughts plagued me - I felt REJECTED because he put another woman up publicly.  I felt SMALL, insecure, unimportant (lost my identity!) all because of this un-distinguished man; demon plagued, dysfunctional, uncultured, unaccomplished, poor, addicted, lost, & LOVING HIM SO MUCH & NOT BEING ACCEPTED BY HIM PUBLICLY MADE ME FEEL LIKE A “NOTHING” like if he didn’t love me, MY LIFE WASN’T WORTH LIVING ANY MORE!  My life was over!  As bizarre as this sounds looking back at it is how it works & I’m not the only one – I’ve seen it in many of my girlfriends who feel exactly the same way over the men they love.  They’re jumping through hoops trying to figure how to win him back or make him love them, doing desperate things.  I felt desperate.

    After the mystical marriage I woke up from a deep dark Purgatory of pain.  I felt lighter day by day as I rose from anxiety, attachment & fear, into confidence, freedom & bliss.  I KNEW I was BIG – he was small.  I saw him poor, pathetic & pitiful, while I was rich with blessings; strong, successful, unhampered.  He was limping along with this false front, a house of cards that would soon fall from one card knocked down – the females ability to support them. 

    Eleven years before - 2008 – I had by the command of God, plunged into the shallows & wastes of human sense again, (by God saying ‘have fun’) got stigmatized again (martyrdom, emptiness, poverty), God had basically told me to LEAVE HER—leave Her Heaven, but you see, SHE IS HEAVEN so when I leave Her I leave Heaven, it is one & the same thing.

    By going into the world, falling in love, my mind became possessed & attached to this man, my happiness depended on him, he had control over me, it was Hell.

    I was no longer in my Sahasrara center, not at peace, serenity, tranquility, happiness, I was tortured to the point of death (actually did die momentarily due to the heart problem) & after eleven years of such an adventure I returned to God, & here I am.

    What had God & I accomplished?  What was the purpose of this man?  (I am told we will be together physically as well as spiritually in the future.)  Was he the fulfillment of a prayer made many years ago, before my celibacy?  He was certainly an ideal so perfect I had not even imagined it.  Was God answering a prayer of forty, fifty years ago?  Now the prayer was fulfilled, what I set out to do – be ONE with him was accomplished, he was won, the project was fulfilled; now I could rest.  Was there a higher purpose in this?

    One thing God did intimate to me was that in a state of peace, we are no longer growing.  She had to return me to turmoil, give me a Cross, to allow struggle to take place.  With struggle comes growth.  The saints in Heaven don’t struggle, but they don’t grow.  Their evolution is over; their Beatific Vision is fixed forever.

    But here on earth we’re forever changing & if it doesn’t kill us, it makes us grow.  Challenges met improve us.

    Woman, thou art God.  Do not let the pains of Love hold you down, you will rise again.  Heartbreak will lead to success, be patient.  When you love & love hurts, God is doing something in you.

    In future I will be asking God how the brain & mind work during these transitions, the various parts of the brain, the frontal lobes of compassion vs. the primitive back brain, the Sahasrara being active vs. falling down into the lower chakras, how all this is managed when one is going from God to flesh, from freedom to attachment, from leaving God to the return – How does it all work?

To be continued    Rasa Von Werder  9-9-19