Chapters 5 & 6  {My Life Story I Strip for God Part 5}   Cause of my Insomnia Revealed & Lack of Self Esteem with Men   9-4-21

 

          Had this great insight & I think its my new Guru – Tenzin Palmo.  Since I have been watching her videos, believing in her, getting insights & revelations every day.  And so a few days ago I just saw it, it was shown to me, that I cannot fall asleep due to a feeling of GUILT.

 

          Where on earth is this guilt coming from?  What did I do?  Nothing.  I did nothing.  It was done to me.  It’s family again.  My insomnia began when I was about 12 years old {& continued my entire life, even up to 76 yrs old, now!}.  I just started tossing & turning for hours, could not fall asleep even if I tried after getting into bed 10 or 11, still awake at 2AM.  Here’s how it works.

 

          My family began abusing me at age 10.  I explained it in Part 3 – They made a ‘deal’ or agreement.  I heard every word.  I was in the next room, they thought out of hearing range, asleep, but I wasn’t.  My Mom presented to the other siblings that she needed help to ‘control’ me – that I was bad, - she listed bullcrap after bullcrap of invented wrongs concerning me.  My siblings ate it up like beavers off a tree.  They cried with glee,

 

          “Yes, Mom, we’ll help!”

 

          It became ‘open season’ on Rasa.  She pitted them against me – you know how the human nature of siblings work, if they are not imbued with spiritual love.  They push the other birds out of the nest in order to get more food.  And so, my siblings beggared me to receive more of the benefits from Mom.  I was designated as the slave, scapegoat, whipping post, etc.  This went on forever; her spirit is active in whoever is left – all these years.  Jesus said curses & sins last up to 4 generations.

 

          But to get to the why of my guilt.  When you are abused, you frequently blame yourself.  No matter what logic tells you, you say to self,

 

          “Why are they doing this?  If only I was a better person, did more good, accomplished more tasks, appealed more to their good nature, they would not do this to me.  I must try to improve myself & gain their approval.”

 

          This sad policy I carried on much of my youth, up to the day I knew I could never trust Mom again, the last time she betrayed me.  It was unbearable, & I left home.  But I left with the damage in my brain, psyche, body & mind.  That’s the terrible part about abuse – its damage that can last forever, until you die.  But damage can be fixed up if one becomes aware, & I have just become aware now.

 

          As I lay in bed one evening, very tired & sleepy, I sensed a feeling of guilt, & I realized the guilt was a fixation in my brain, that I had done wrong when I had done nothing.  It’s a malady.  I scrutinized my brain to where this came from & instantly knew the source.  They made me feel I had done wrong, or else, why were they abusing me, day in, day out?

 

          So my job was to be aware of this & even use some self hypnosis or affirmations to let myself know I was guilty of nothing, had done no wrong, I should relax, let go of all fear, & fall asleep.

 

          When you can’t fall asleep its fear – anxiety – that you don’t DESERVE REST.  It’s like the malady of anorexia nervosa.  I analyzed that.  The person is rejected or unloved by their Mom or someone else in charge.  They feel they don’t deserve to live, so if they don’t deserve to live, they shouldn’t eat, they should stop eating & eventually die – which they do.  It’s a slow form of suicide because one feels UNWORTHY.  And there’s no logic to them except the hypnotic belief imposed on them,

 

          “You don’t deserve to live.”   {End insomnia analysis}

 

 

Chapter 6   -   Lack of Self Esteem with Men

 

 

Another insight I need to study more deeply.  I know I have it, but how did it get there {into my brain?}

 

It’s the lack of self esteem with men.  Mind you, I have no lack of esteem when it comes to God & my work for her, it’s only with men, & I shall give an example about someone else, then me.

 

There was this poor little guy on ‘England’s’ Most Talented’ or some show like that.  He looked so ordinary, & his jacket didn’t fit right & looked poor.  The host asked him what his presentation was – he said opera & Simon moaned with like ‘this is going to be awful.’

 

The poor little guy had said earlier that he had no confidence, but then explained it wasn’t about his music, it was the other part of his life – I imagine especially in regard to women.  He himself was slightly overweight & later you saw his wife, she was fat & jolly & as ordinary as a stone on the shore of the creek.

 

But then the music started & his voice came out & people gasped, especially when he came to the crescendos. The audience stood screaming & he won the top prize, got great publicity & even met the Prime Minister on Downing Street!

 

Well, that’s me in performance, me in my work for God.  But when it came to personal relationships, I felt, for some reason, I deserved nothing.  I’m going to need help on that before I give the example how it worked.  I have not yet broke through completely as to why.  OK, Mother God, help.

 

MG {Mother God}:  The fruit does not fall far from the tree, & once fallen, rots on the ground.  Yes, you grew in the environment with the family – the tree & you left.  But when you left, they had planted inside of you, so to speak, worms in you, the apple.  These worms were negative thoughts, feelings & emotions.  They continued to live in them & in you as prolonged abuse is often internalized by the victim.  

 

Your family hated you.  They of course, today deny that, but its true.  They let themselves get brainwashed by Mommie Fearest, & to this day, no matter how you have justified yourself, those who remain have utter contempt for you.  No matter how much they say ‘I love you,’ how many favors are given, this surface, when the veneer or mask falls off, the shit hits the fan & the truth of what they feel surfaces.  Shall I list the thoughts?

 

Recently your quasi-relative flipped, became hysterical with you.  You were going to write down all the epithets but you didn’t.  Shall I recall some of them?

 

This lady let out a series of invectives so brutal it was like Niagara Falls.  It went like so:

 

“You are obnoxious!  So obnoxious that you have not got one single friend!  You are not difficult to get along with, you are impossible!

 

You are a sad person – I pity you!

 

You are a liar!  OK, I take that back.  You think what you say is the truth, but you are deluded!

You don’t converse, you give monologues” – {I begin to interrupt, saying, give me a chance to answer, she screams,

 

“I don’t want to hear more of your monologues!

 

You are jealous of me, always were! {me?????  This baffled me the most, can’t imagine what I was jealous for.}

 

You hate me, you only pray for me because it’s a Christian duty!  {I never missed one day of prayer for her, with her, during her trauma, for many months.}

 

These statements were repeated, screaming, like 5-6-7 times each, all the while she saying ‘you repeat the same thing until I am sick of it!’

 

There were more insults but it was a year ago – we’ve both forgotten.  You did not retaliate, fight back, or insult her because she had just been through a trauma, the worst of her life, & you don’t kick someone when they are down, you were praying with her to help when this happened.  So you let it go in the name of God.

 

The point is these insults & outrageous statements – none of them true except the monologues {lol} have been harbored in her her entire life!  This is what’s inside, like I said, behind the mask!  It proved what you’ve suspected or known all along – the contempt is there!

 

If you boil it down to one word it would be contempt – which means lack of respect.  You can’t have a relationship with someone if there’s no respect – you heard a study on that.  When respect leaves, the relationship is over.  And so, this person pretends to have a relationship with you all the while harboring these thoughts.  You can feel these thoughts, so you can’t be warm to her.  When you have opened your heart you regret it, because as soon as you confide in her, she betrays you the way Mommy Fearest did – she uses your info to rank you out when the time comes.

 

Most notable of these is you told her about the young man you love.  She trashed him so severely, with such a hateful tone, that two hours later you had your worst heart attack.  Then when you were diagnosed & in the hospital, she helped you in a hundred ways, professing love.  But did the underneath contempt ever leave?  There’s evidence it continued.

 

So you ask the question, why did you have no confidence with worthy men – those who loved you – while enduring torture from crazed nuts like James Brown & many others, who hurt you again & again?

 

One’s self esteem is lowered when they are abused; they are made to feel UNWORTHY OF LOVE.  It’s a simple answer, sounds too simple, but that is the effect of abuse.

 

ME:   But I have no lack of self esteem or confidence when it comes to God.  Why did the abuse not bother that?

 

MG:   Because you are Anointed, which means empowered by God.  That is what saved you.  In your dealings with people – they are not gods, they are mostly ordinary.  Except for those sent you by God – like Richard Von Werder – they are basically animals, acting like animals, in the flesh.  And so, you expect from them the same treatment you got from your family & you’re usually right.  You are definitely not deluded in that respect, people in general deserve no accolades, hope for the best, expect the worst because it usually comes.

 

Your life is now ripe with experience & you are living your last years.  It will all be corrected, all the filth done to you will come out in the wash, & even our self esteem or lack of it will be remedied.  You will live to see the machinations of your family & fake friends grinded down into dust, & you will succeed & be victorious over all.  Trust me on this.

 

ME:   Thank you Mother God, I am tired now.  Will give the example I promised later.   {End channeling, end Chapters 5 &  6}