The first ‘Conquest’ let’s call him Remora {a Remora is a snakelike fish that sucks on a whale}

         {Model pictured is not him. In fact I'm not posting pics of him anywhere}

 The memory of him is so foul that I was going to skip him but the inner voice says to tell. So here goes.

          I saw him standing there, looking for someone, at one of the bars. I spoke to him about a date. Now that I recall him & review his pictures, WTF did I see in him? Probably because when you haven’t looked at a man ‘like that’ in 30 years, you aren’t seasoned to tell the difference between OK & handsome – he was just OK. But his personality, character, heart were as foul as the dust of a bad barn or the stink at the bottom of a dungeon – but we don’t know all that until we get to know the person. That’s how we fallinto the trap, here is a façade, a mask, a fake, phony liar & we can’t even see the red flags because we don’t have EXPERIENCE & we don’t even listento the inner voice that says NO because we aren’t sure if it’s God inside or our imagination. So we get caught, then to get out of the web costs plenty. For some, just emotional, for others, like me, emotional, mental & monetary.

            I think I’ll just list what he did & skip past the anecdotes. First, we had sex a couple times & then, suddenly, the condom BROKE. In hindsight I realize he made it break, by putting his hand down there & maybe slicing it with his nail. 

          I went cuckoo & said no more sex unless you get checked by the free clinic for diseases. I am paranoid re vd’s – especially AIDS even though I think I’m immune  to it because I have the delta gene of Europeans whose ancestors went through the Plague.

          He did get checked & he had nothing but the AIDS test not sure why, it didn’t appear instantly.

          The entire affair must have lasted no more than a month but it felt like a year.

          After a short time at my house – he had made me promise that if we go out, it has to be serious, a relationship, not a one-night stand. I know now

that it was because he wanted SUPPORT, but at first, we don’t think straight – our emotions override our brain.

He looked over my house & decided this was a good thing – for a lowlife like him, getting into anyone’s house or apt on any basis would be great, as for some reason, even though he was on welfare {got all his medical free & a stipend for wherever he lived, if the person applied for it. I never got involved in that.}

            The guy he lived with when I met him got him to clean the house – mop floors & all that – for staying there. I asked him to clean one room one time & later he spoke to people about ‘I had to clean her filthy house.’ This was a couple times, sporadic, & his work was not thorough.

          Within not too long of a time, maybe say 10 days, he began looking on the internet re smashed cars that could be built back up & sold for a profit. He studied that daily. Then of course it came to the need for me to set him up in business, which I was not dumb enough to do – then the trouble started.

          He would stand around sulking with the most evil scary look on his face – made me incredibly uncomfortable.

          I did take him for clothes- he had no good ones.  I do have a thing about clothes, for myself & anyone with me - I bought him expensive things like winter jackets - 2 or them, beautiful shirts with cuff links, all kinds of stuff that added up to over 1k. He looked like a million bucks with that & when we went downtown {to the bars} an officer asked him if he was selling drugs AGAIN because of his getup & he pointed to me & said, no, it’s her.

Downtown he never danced with me, not once, but with many other women when I wasn’t close by {but I caught him time & again} but when I asked, he’d say no. I’ve always been one for kissing & I kissed his face a lot – because I’m affectionate, & he complained,

“You kiss me so much my face hurts!”

That cured me, I stopped kissing not only him but anyone.

Then the using me for money started. I would buy him all his drinks but then at the beginning of the night he started saying,

“I want to buy my own drinks,”

And I suspected something but I forked over the money anyway, & then he’d disappear for an hour, later I surmised, for drugs.

When I was asleep upstairs in the morning I smelled strange smells from the kitchen & now believe it was crack cocaine. He would buy things when with me like aluminum foil, & I think that’s used for that.  So finally, I knew he was a drug user & now what could I do?

 I should have known in the beginning the chances of him being a drug user were great, but didn’t want to give in to ‘stereotyping.’ I was not ‘street smart’  remember, I had not dated for 30 years, & prior to that I was not involved with anyone that was a druggie or anything to do with that world.

He was also bisexual. A couple times guys would pick him up from my house on some pretext like getting construction jobs, & one of these guys wore tight pants – which no straight man would do. So that made hIm more dangerous as far as diseases, especially AIDS.

With each day in my house more red flags came up. 

One day I decided to leave him in the club – just leave him. But now he wore those beautiful clothes – a leather jacket with fake fur inside, gorgeous. And in the morning I hear a vehicle stop in front of my house. He hitch hiked back & a lady with a daughter in a pickup truck got him & had him sit in the back & he found his way.

Now I was plotting every day how to get rid of him & I could not come up with an easy answer. This is what you’ll be faced with – once they get into your house you have to remove them, but HOW?  And the closet was filled with wardrobe I’d bought him – he’d want that if he left.  But if I told him to his face I wanted him out I feared getting BEAT UP as this has happened to me before! It’s when you want to get rid of a guy they get violent.

He schemed how to get money out of me. One time he said he needed to pick up a bag of his clothes from a femae he stayed with who would not release them unless he gave her $50. So we went there, he got this bag of clothes with my money – I fell for it when I should have said forget those rags I bought you good clothes. I don’t think the bucks had anthing to do with clothes – I think he bought drugs from her.

Speaking of drugs – wherever we went, from clinic for his ailments to grocery stores, to downtown bars – anywhere – he always found people {all of color} to chat with endlessly. I know now it’s because he was a known drug dealer & for some reason, knew all these people – that many fools are on drugs.

When I took him to this clinic then I new nothing about pain pill addicts. He had some ailment – his teeth hurt – which gave him the excuse to get pain pills. He’d get the bottle & pop 3 without even using water.

I had become his CARE GIVER / support /drug enabler without agreeing to the job – it was a trap.  And no one had an easy answer out of my dilemma.  But before I forget, get this straight: NEVER let anyone movein with you – most young males are ON DRUGS unless they are college students or maybe military – make sure the guy you date HAS A HOME not looking to you for dwelling/support. I think 90% of the locals in our ghettos were on drugs or would be if they got the money.

One more thing, I learned that he was in jail more than once for drugs & also for steadily having sex with an underage girl – so he was a molester according to the law. Of course he pooh-poohed it, she looked 18 {he was 37}.  And the drug bust – he had a GOOD JOB & got greedy, wanted to pool a big heist, took on some drugs to sell & got nailed. You see the stupidity?

So here I am, a guy I’m now afraid of living with me – glaring at me each day with dirty looks because I won’t fund some cockamamie business for him – a nasty bisexual addicted to pain pills & crack cocaine wanting more from me each day. Let me get to the straw that broke the camel’s back.

I took him to a terrific restaurant & during the meal he pulls out a picture of his daughter who suffered 3/4ths of her body being burned. He was living with his wife & her & they left a candle burning on the stand by her bed – the curtains caught fire & it was bad. He blames the wife of course.

First he regaled me with some scheme he learned in jail from a guy who figured how to con someone out of money. I told him I didn’t want to hear that. Then he starts with the burned daughter. I look at the image & it’s pitiful. He says he so much wanted to give her something – some soda & treats, but he never had any money for it, about forty bucks would cover it & if I could give it to him & take it there, he would console his poor daughter.

My inner voice told me not to go for this but I disobeyed.

So we went on this chase, he said she was being baby sat here {she was 8 yrs old}, then there. This was before cell phones & I had to drive around while he would get on a pay phone, talking on & on, me providing the change. Oh, they took her some place else, we have to go there.

Finally we find the spot & he goes in with the goodies. I forgot to mention – he’d fooled me before about buying CD’s. He’d go to a couple that sold drugs, pretend he was buying various artists like Young Jeezy CD’s – he needed my money for that of course. And me, the fool, didn’t figure he was buying his crack cocaine.  I even went inside one time & they all played me.

So now he goes into this place to give the goodies to his daughter. I wait a long time – like half an hour. After he comes out I needed some shopping for the house. I was tired & gave him the money to buy what I needed. Didn’t realize at the time he bought half the stuff, asked me if he could put it in the trunk so I wouldn’t see what he bought – kept half the bread I gave him, then said he’d spoke to his daughter again & the people she was with ate up & drank up her treats & could we go there again to replenish her. You’d think by now I would have discerned what was going on, but lack of experience makes fools of us all.

So we go back again, this time I wait & wait & wait. More than an hour goes by. I finally said this is bullshit & left.

Later he found his way back to my house & said what a bad person I was, leaving him stranded. He called a homo he knew to bail him out – I knew the guy & knew he was gay, so he probably gave the guy a perk for the ride.

I started to pray for all I was worth, & an opportunity arose that seemed the answer.

He found his sister on the internet & wanted to visit her – she was a 3 hour ride away by bus. Great, give him the ticket, & good bye Charlie. I’d figure a way not to let him back in after that – maybe pretend a guy moved in with me – a big guy, lol, or a mean one.

But he insisted I had to go with him! So then I thought, OK, I’ll go with him, leave him where the bus stops, her town, & take the next bus back by myself. But when I saw his sister realized she might be HURT by this & I got soft.

She was a lovely woman with two small kids & a husband that wasn’t for sure where that would go. He was having trouble making a living {selling drugs} & he hit the wall one spot – she showed me - & broke the plaster. Must have been really soused.

So we spend overnight here in a nice apt right by a mall. He tells his side of the story to me, I try to tell mine but he interrupts so much & lies so often, I can’t get my version out. He portrays me as an unfaithful girl friend looking for other guys, more guys – I’m the bad one here.

The sister can read between the lines but she doesn’t elucidate, she just says to him,

“I don’t believe you’re off the drugs, & you should know better as our brother died from it, - if I found someone like this lady to help me out, I’d know I was the lucky one.”

And he looks sheepish.

The next day I’m going to get a taxi & hit the bus & disappear, but he sees me getting ready & stands between me & my shoes! To get past him he might hit me, so I just leave shoe-less & head for the mall across the street – he follows. I walk fast, so does he.  There was a cop car right there but still, I didn’t want to get him into trouble so I didn’t talk to them.

The sister & husband were both out, but can’t recall what happens next, but they realize I want out of this relationship, whatever it takes – I’m done.

They put their thinking caps on & decide they will drive me back to my place to pick up his clothes {they saw a sample & the best clothes he ever had or would have} & then drive back with him. I’d be rid of his ass but he’d have the benefit of those clothes, so off we go.

 So that was how God saved me. Yes, I bought them all dinner before we landed at my house – no big deal, just Subway. And I gave them gifts. I sacrificed the most beautiful bed cover I’d ever owned as a gift among other things – they took his clothes – he tried to talk me into keeping him by some sex nonsense but I said no & never. And there it was, God got me out of it.

NEVER let any of these guys move in with you – NEVER!

It’s too tedious to explain his lifestyle after this. {I found out these things from mostly other people} His sister had to move to get rid of both her violent husband & Remora. He came back to this area - He moved in with a sex therapist who had to pay him for cocaine but he didn’t pay for the sex, - so he was selling drugs again.

I saw him at a bar with a washed-out female who looked like bad heroin. His beautiful leather & fur jacket was filthy & straggly looking. Water reaches its own level, & each human being goes where they belong, eventually.

            Looking back over my life at this & many other situations I have come to the conclusion that I need protection. I cannot adequately protect myself because I’m TOO NICE, TOO SOFT & in those years this was worse because I lacked experience or STREET SMARTS. There is such a thing as a giver & a taker – I am the eternal giver, I give, give, give, & I become a victim of the TAKERS who take, take, take. And it isn’t just evil people. Put me with ANYONE & al I can think of is what do they want & need & it is up to me to provide it. Don’t know how I got that way but many people, not only bad but good, take advantage.  My best PROTECTION is to BE ALONE, stay with God, so you see how being celibate or a hermit like state, which I was a lot – keeps me from harm, safe & happy, AT PEACE which I am right now.