Revelations re my Life

 Woke up knowing I am God, lol. And revelations re my Life.

DIARY:  1-1-25

                             Woke up with an unusual certainty: I am God, lol.  Yes it’s a peculiar idea to our human understanding, but I am comfortable with it. God has been telling me since 1981, when it was a ‘way out there’ thought – that my writings, which were diaries of mystical revelations from God – are the writings of God; they are scriptures. Then I was really benighted about this & could hardly say it to anyone, even in my writings, that if my writings are of God & scripture, then I must be God. It was so weird I couldn’t be open with it.

          Logically I know that that is what self realization is about: knowing one is God. And yet, one isn’t somehow aware of it; it remains UNCONSCIOUS to some degree, a feeling, an instinct, but not a certainty. But now it IS a certainty, a comfortable one.

          It became a reality in STEPS. The big recent step was when I arrived at the understanding of WHO & WHAT IS GOD. And I know I am right on this, I don’t care what anyone says or if they don’t believe me or have other ideas: I KNOW what God is!

          There is the Body & Spirit of God, two manifestations of the same thing. One is the INFINITE UNIVERSE, which is the body. And the other is the Infinite Metaphysical realm, that which has no ‘matter’ or solid substance, whatever it is, we call it Spirit. Infinity has no beginning or end, there is no time – No wonder the scientists have never been able to find a BEGINNING to the Universe. They used to believe in ‘the big bang theory’ but that’s been debunked. We will never find a beginning because there never was one; it is the dimension of ‘always was, always will be.’ So WHERE & HOW is the beginning?

          Then the Christians have the axiom: “We are made in the image & likeness of God – children of God - & God lives within us.”

          That is CORRECT but it leaves one in a FOG as it isn’t EXPLAINED clearly. And it certainly DOES NOT explain that all sentient beings & even inanimate matter are all ‘in the image & likeness of God’ as they are of God, & parts of God Herself.

    All life is like this: God is the Infinite Tree & we are parts of the tree; leaves, bark, inside, outside, everything from the tree is what is in the Universe, & in the same way, it IS the tree. So a leaf could say 'I am the tree - the same.'

          I see Infinity & I see tiny little ‘blimps’ come out of Her, the Galaxies for instance, just blimps, then all that is in them including us. And we are tiny blimps & so are the insects. But I am led to understand it doesn’t matter how tiny we are! We are all ONE with God & we can be conscious of God & being big or little is of no consequence. It does not make the tiniest being less important! In Yoga they have a theory called ‘The Consciousness of Equality’ where all things are equally important, & I am becoming aware of this. Because at first, when I saw how tiny we are, that is, compared to a Galaxy – whose size we cannot imagine – we seem small fry or pocket change. But that is not so to God, I am told everything is THE SAME in importance to God. That must be because it is a HUMAN idea or thought that things have STATUS, being higher or lower, but status is not a Godly concept.

          And so right now I am here in this body knowing that I am God living in it, lol. This body is only a temporary organ I inhabit & I am actually AUTONYMOUS within it. My prayers seem strange as if God & I are One, why am I speaking to Her as if She was another? – I have been praying constantly lately, when not meditating, seven favorite prayers from the Act of contrition, to the Our Mother, Hail Mary, Son of God {to Jesus a prayer I made up}, Glory Be, Oh my Jesus, & finally, Hail Holy Queen. I say these HUNDREDS of times a day especially when I am not busy & also in between sleep.

          And yesterday I had the dream of Jesus at my feet – which is so peculiar – NEVER had any dream like that. But it proved a point – there is no DIFFERENCE between God & myself – when I become perfect in my behavior {charity-God is Love!}, God becomes Me – WE worship each other! What a strange but accurate concept!

          I also can’t help but think that St. Charbel has been helping me with this as I’ve been doing a sadhana to him. I previously did one to Sri Kaleshwar & Sirdi Sai Baba, but didn’t see any results {not consciously} since the monumental beginning, when they lifted up numerous souls of their clientele from Purgatory through me. I thought of them daily for about a year – this is a sadhana or discipleship to the Guru. But then I switched to St. Charbel & things started to happen. He tells me its because the other guys are Hindu & their Graces are so different I might not be aware or even understand if they’re helping me at times, but with him, it’s familiar ground & I can SEE better what’s going on – yes indeed, I sure can.

          OK there is still the idea of FAITH. I must have Faith that God is within me, I am She, She is Me. I must believe She is working through me, living through me. I must believe I can conjure up Her Power through my Faith, the Power of what? All things. For example, being ONE with the Infinite, I look forward to the challenge of going for my heart procedures. Yes I have a bad heart, & there must be tests as we move toward putting a piece of metal right into the valve inside my heart to open it up. This is the biggest fear of my life – not a giant fear as its fairly safe, a small fear but a fear nevertheless, which has haunted me for months. But when I have the absolute confidence that I am God it changes my consciousness that I AM IN INFINITY,– not limited – my LIFE is not this body alone, I am that Infinite Being who goes on & even if all things fail, all the worries I have on earth of not finishing my work, not leaving a good Will {I don’t have the right people to designate as my beneficiaries—they must be those who continue my work – the New Order, New Religion}—All my human fears are as nothing as I could die tomorrow or today & I have done a lot & my life story/legacy will continue no mater what & I will be rewarded for my life & sufferings in eternity. Whatever I have been worth, that will be given me & more {due to mercy} - I thank God & Her inerrant karma for that. 

One shall we say ‘whimsical’ or ‘amusing’ revelation has to do with the Cougering episode. I just finished my ‘capstone’ book on that, ‘The Man Whisperer.’

I’m beginning to see that God’s words which propelled me into this activity:

“I want you to stop suffering, quit celibacy, & have fun”

have not ENDED. That is to say, God STILL wants me to quit suffering & have fun. Do you understand, do I? I am trying.

The time PRIOR to that what sort of state was I in? There are degrees & definitions to suffering. What was I suffering, what was I NOT? Because I argued with God that I was then peaceful, but during the cougering I was NOT & a lot of misery befell me, but it was a different SORT of suffering then that when I was alone, celibate, & disciplined for the sake of the QueenShip {I will use this instead of Kingdom.}

Am I to conclude now that God wanted me, for the rest of my life here, to quit THAT kind of suffering – that of DISCIPLINE & LET GO to HAVE FUN in the sense of let all these scruples, limitations, barriers, fences, brainwashing go – just let go of all this stuff the patriarchs have put on me, be mysef, do what I want to do – I am here in the QueenShip, I have nothing to prove. And I will now have SUCCESS which has, to some degree, been denied me – the success of having my work & value RECOGNIZED.

For it seems that success IN THE WORLD is ON ITS WAY if I’m to put faith in all the Saints, mystics on the other side, who have been telling me this for a while – success of the earth is coming to me, I will be happy, I will HAVE FUN.

Now this ‘having fun’ on earth is not something Saints usually pursue – the OPPOSITE! So it has given me some consternation - the message that’s getting CLEARER by the day is that when God told me She wants me to STOP SUFERING, HAVE FUN it wasn’t just to go out & cougar, it’s that my traditional-Saint-suffering is OVER & She is saying *ENOUGH*! And its enough on the earthly & the spiritual level both. I have achieved Self Realization so no more penance or ascetic living is needed, & also I have had enough gaff from people.

In other words, I do NOT go back to the hermitage & continue the Saintly life of ‘nun of this-nun of that’ but when recognition comes, my phone is ringing ‘off the hook,’ I’m appearing in newspapers & magazines again, gaining RECOGNITION, have a MOVIE made of my life which will be a GREAT, CLASSICAL movie – Best Picture of the Year at the Academy Awards – this will be FUN & no reason to sit in one’s dingy cell saying ‘all the Saints suffer’ {which they do} but at this point God is saying to THIS SAINT – Enough is enough!

And this brings us to the next question: When is the particular suffering of saint complete? We all know that this life is the ‘valley of tears’ & its nature is to test us & we all suffer to different degrees, some horribly. But the peculiar, specific suffering of the Saints, which is designated to perfect them spiritually, when is it GOOD & when is it no longer necessary?

It seems that when God is telling me, after years of celibacy, ‘it has done its work’ that certainly celibacy was no longer necessary after 10 years –it was most probably to glean me away from lust & all the ballyhoo that comes with engaging in human intercourse. But I resisted after 10 years, then 20, but when 30 years was over, God gave me an ULTIMATUM & said if I do not obey, I will be outside the Will of God!

God & my Higher Self {we are One} determined this life of Saintly ‘suffering’ which included celibacy was no longer useful or necessary for my good – that it was time to loosen up & enjoy the natural, normal things of life which could be drinking, sex, & now, fame & fortune!

Yes, that’s another thing that God decides – when is it right for us to have poverty, & when is it NOT? For it is God that gives us whatever will propel us forward in life & it does not have to be either in perpetuity, it could be wealth for a while, then poverty, it could be poverty, then wealth. All things to those who love God bring them to their greater good.

A great example of riches to rags is the story of Oscar Wilde. He was celebrated & had considerable wealth, he was the Toast of the Town with his books & plays being featured in London. Everyone was dazzled by his wit including the King {George V} who came to see his play ‘Lady Windermere's Fan’ & the King himself congratulated Wilde on a ‘pleasant evening’ according to the movie.

But then things went wrong. Oscar took someone to court for slander {for calling him a sodomite} & it backfired on him. The person he accused hired detectives & it brought out his ‘sordid - secret’ life – consorting with young male prostitutes from the shady world of prostitution & crime. It was the end of his career & all he owned & loved – curtains on that. He even lost his family – his wife would not allow him to see the children!

And on top of that, he was ‘exiled’ to Paris in poverty. So, was this bad? No, it was good in the eyes of God. During his two years in prison & thereafter, he was converted to pay attention to God – something he’d never had ‘time’ for in the past. He wanted to join a Catholic Monastery but was refused, but he was installed into the Catholic Faith & received it’s Last Rites before his death. Now you see what I mean? Conversion comes to many like that.

Now in my case, it’s the opposite. Deprived of love, respect & recognition, God wants it to stop. And God wants a Rainbow at the end of my journey with a Pot of Gold. Why? Let me ask Mother God as my ideas may be cloudy.

MG: The deplorable state you’ve been put into by your family & society is no longer needed for our spiritual advancement - it's SAFE to be happy! You were humbled, & God does not need to punish a person needlessly. It’s done its work; you were brought low for most of your life. 

And so God, by Her inimitable Karma, has designated that this stop & you get rewarded & recompensed for a life well lived & for service to others. Yes into each life some rain must fall, but after the rain, as is said, the Rainbow & the Pot of Gold, & yours is coming. It will actually do you good now to be admired, loved & recognized.

It wasn’t only sex & cougering God wanted for you – it was the whole nine yards of enjoyment. So get ready as it’s coming & be glad & feel no guilt or shame. You’ve done enough, it’s been enough Crosses on your back, be free & happy. What you have had throughout your life is mostly demoralization. Started with your Mom & most of the family ganging up on you, then society because of you being a woman & in the adult trade. They looked down on you & STILL DO - made a laughing stock of you in the Press & enough is enough! I do add here that your persona has also protected you as we explained before, you’re a secret agent of Mother God against Patriarchy, pro Matriarchy, & you worked under this cover {the ‘shameful’ adult trade} to get your work done without being blocked or even injured or killed by Patriarchal hysterics. But since your work is nearly over, ‘it’s all over but the crying’ {for them} – they couldn’t stop you! Undercover is an understatement, they didn’t have a CLUE.  Amen.