11-14-21 John dreams--White Roses

 

          I am at a table in a restaurant with a male across from me, & to my right maybe 6-7 feet away is another couple – John & Ruthie – who are common-law married. He is facing her, back to me, she is facing him, front to me.  I see no other tables or people here.  As she speaks she gesticulates with her right arm extended toward him over the table.

 

          *** TABLE:  What you BRING TO THE TABLE is what you donate or your contribution to a relationship in this case, as two examples are given of myself & a man, & Ruthie & John.

          On each table someone gives the other WHITE ROSES WITH RED EMBLEMS.  The white roses are love or gifts, the red is suffering or pain, so along with the gifts the recipient was given pain.

          The MAN sitting across my table is ALSO JOHN    .  This says John gave me HIS LOVE but PAIN was given me with it.  According to this, he is the GIVER.  That means he is courting me or the pursuer, that he wants me more than I want him – which seems improbably, but that is what the dream says.

          On the other hand, at Ruthie’s table, SHE IS THE GIVER so this might be saying,

          “She LOVED HIM MORE THAN HE LOVED HER, she GAVE HIM MORE than he gave her.

          But how could it be that he gave me more than I gave him?  Perhaps in his psyche, he gave me ALL HE HAD – he had NOTHING ELSE HE COULD GIVE but what he did.  This issue has appeared in dreams before, that didn’t make sense, that he was my GOOD HUSBAND RICHARD & he had given me ALL HIS MONEY, all he had, but he was now back, alive, & he needed my charity to support him!  Only if it is true that he gave me all he had, for real, does this make sense.  I loved him what seemed completely, but there was more capacity to me than there was to him.

          Her RIGHT HAND gesturing to him across the small table is a symbol of DOMINANCE, that she dominated him with what she did for him.  In other words, she wanted her pound of flesh for what she gave & got it.

          His back to me here is when he absented himself from me privately & especially publicly, to be with her.  My seeing her from the face is understanding what she did, how she worked the relationship. *** 

 

           It is a day like Valentine’s Day & both us couples are celebrating it but there’s a difference.

 

          In my case, the man across from me gave me a bouquet of short-stemmed white roses, each one has a red mark on it.  I was admiring them.  In the other case, she gave him a bouquet of the exact same roses & the striking thing in their conversation is she keeps speaking about the roses & somehow including other things she did or gave him.  Her conversation focuses on,

          “I gave you this, I gave you that, I did this for you, I did that for you.”

          The convo is led by her there, & nowhere else. 

          “Remember all I gave you.”

Below, this is not anyone special or anyone I'm proud of, he's a model who robbed me of $2,400.  But I got the bread back & had him arrested.  His name is Marcel.

 

          ***  COUNTING ALL SHE GAVE HIM, KEEPING THESE THINGS BEFORE HIS MIND:  This is a DAY OF RECKONING because Ruthie has had, in real life, a severe accident & is now recovering, which will take months & one doesn’t know when she will be healed & when she can work again & if she can still do the type of lucrative work she used to – which required a lot of activity, walking around & carrying things.

 

          She is right now no longer capable of giving these ROSES OF LOVE – Gifts – favors – financial support – to John as she is on her ass.  It is the day when he must reciprocate, return the favors she gave him, step up to the plate, pay the rent - & she is REMINDING HIM one by one of what she did for him.

 

          The fact that she HAS TO REMIND HIM, gesturing in a dominant fashion, is because he is NOT stepping up to the plate, not giving back.  Now she will see his measure & how futile her hopes were as she felt that one of these days he would love her as she did him – but he didn’t.  And so, because she held him by money & things, his love was not true, he will not now measure up to the man she hopes he will be – Frankly, he is NOT CAPABLE.  It isn’t just money, with what he has he could return her favors – it is the fact he is so insecure, so needy, he holds onto what he has for dear life, as he is fearful of life, paranoid, he has no faith, he cannot SACRIFICE or let go what little he has.  He has to hold onto his money for drugs that keep him SANE or functioning, & if he now reciprocates, he’d have to give some of that up & he won’t - he’s too weak.

 

          This doesn’t mean he’s evil or malicious; he’s damaged by childhood abuse.  His masculine posturing is just an act, he’s a small child inside.

 

          This dream & the following indicate to me he’s had a meeting & a confrontation with Ruthie about how they will carry on.  It’s Sunday, he’s off work - & he isn’t downtown for weekend adventures.  He might be visiting her in her recovery room. It sounds logical. ***

         

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Another dream around 11-7-21 {A week earlier}

 

          I am sitting on the edge of my bed in my room upstairs where I used to sleep.  I am putting on or taking off a classy white cotton blouse with a pointed collar, with the buttons covered in the same material & I have been trying to do what I’m doing in private, but every time I start to button or unbutton the middle button, John walks in to interrupt me.

 

          *** CLASSY WHITE COTTON BLOUSE, POINTED COLLAR & CLOTH COVERED BUTTONS:  This is the garment of marriage where I have wished for marriage with John since day one.  The points on the collar are pointed down, at my heart, saying this is a matter of the heart, what I want in my heart.  Why are the buttons CLOTH COVERED?

 

          Buttons are ‘You PUSH THEIR BUTTONS means you initiate a response by doing something, saying something, the other person will have an emotional reaction to.  And so, this is about ‘pushing my buttons’ concerning a relationship as the buttons are covered in that cloth that indicates marriage – white cotton same as the blouse.

 

          The MIDDLE BUTTON is my heart, & what I WANT TO DO I WISH TO REMAIN PRIVATE BUT JOHN KEEPS INTERRUPTING / INTERFERING WITH MY PRIVACY BECAUSE HE HAS HIS OWN DESIRES FROM OUR RELATIONSHIP. ***

 

          He’s walked in so many times that I cannot get anywhere in my endeavor & remain on the middle button, holding both sides of the blouse together for privacy.

 

          *** CANNOT GET FINISHED WITH DRESSING OR UNDRESSING, HOLDING BOTH SIDES CLOSED TO RETAIN MY PRIVACY:  I want to keep my life, desires, future plans, private, not revealing all in my heart to John, but he is interfering.

The fact that I’m at the edge of my bed in my bedroom also indicates it’s about love, romance & privacy, & he is entering this radius to follow his own needs. ***

 

          He is also wearing white, a pullover thick top with designs all over the front, embroidered into the material, quite elaborate.

 

          *** HIS THICK WHITE TOP WITH ELABORATE DESIGNS ON THE FRONT:  He also seeks marriage, but the designs mean he has designs on it – elaborate ones; elaborate plans what he hopes to get out of this marriage. ***

 

          Finally, after many times he’s walked in, I just stand up & push him out roughly exclaiming something like,

 

          “I’ve had enough, leave me alone.”

 

          *** MY ROUGH STANCE, PUSHING HIM OUT:  At some point, this says, I will tell him ‘no more’ & push him out of my privacy & disallow him to interfere with my plans, truth is, I might not do what he wants me to do. ***

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          Earlier there were other scenes.  He was standing looking into my bro’s room at the old farm house & I was standing there wearing a black soft top with pink ruffles & black tights that even covered my feet.  He was staring at my legs.

          After that I was somewhere where he propositioned me or asked me out & two other women pop up who want him.  The one in green is more serious – she is upset when he asked me out & I think we had some communication.  She feels he’s exclusively hers.  The other female just sort of appears on the fringes to my left.

 

          *** TWO WOMEN, HE HAS HIS EYES ON ME, THEY ARE UPSET:  Not sure who these women are, one who is ‘serious’ could be Ruthie, the other someone he has sex with sometimes & they are obviously jealous as he’s looking at me – they somehow know he desires me. ***

 

          After some minutes I say to the lady in green, who is facing me from a booth {her outfit is green with white perpendicular eyelet ruffles on top},

          “Are you two eventually going to get married?”

          She says,

          “I guess so,”

          but it was wishful thinking.  He isn’t serious – she is, & I knew that & was only humoring her to see what she’d say.

 

          *** WHITE EYELET RUFFLES:  They might be like daisies, where you say ‘He loves me, he loves me not,’ she is unsure of herself {first, a petal that says yes, then a hole that says no?  Back & forth, yes & no}.  Wearing GREEN is all the money she spent on supporting him, the white part is the desire for marriage.

          Somehow, in spite of all appearances, I know he isn’t serious about her because I know the back story, I know his patterns, & I most of all know he loves me & me only.  So how could he be truly serious with her & marry her?  But that’s what she wants, & I make her admit it.  But it’s wishful thinking. ***

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          There was also a time when John was driving an archaic classic car {reminds me of an image I have of like a 1910 car shaped like a tall box with an old lady in front & a young handsome man in the back, above – a car such as I’ve never seen before.  But this is kind of different but also boxy, a woman is not in it, it’s very shiny black, he’s also dressed in black like a gangster} & stopped on the street, like he was a big shot with this car, & the women who want him are watching him.

          But he is looking at my legs.  I am sitting with a short skirt on the side of the street, legs crossed, & they are straight & beautiful & well formed, the large muscle is featured on the top leg, & he is staring at them & the other women have noticed this & it upsets them.  The message is the other women want him, are chasing him, but he wants me.

 

          *** The BLACK CAR, BLACK OUTFIT he wears on the street is John being in FUNERAL MODE – having no wife, as she’s now an invalid, & not having me.  There are women who want him but he doesn’t want them, him LOOKING AT MY LEGS.  In spiritual terms LEGS represent MYSTICAL TRAVEL, having supernatural abilities.  He sees this in me & desires to be with me for this, among other reasons.  The other females don’t have such abilities.

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11-14-21 Carlos the Creep

 

 

The preamble to this dream is I was in my car parked somewhere, topless, & my breasts are hanging out.  I’m facing my driver seat window doing something with it, turned to it.  I think I look awful, but my Onstar connection is looking at me & tells me how GLAMOROUS I look – it’s a female, & thinking how bad I look, I am baffled.

 

*** ONSTAR CONNECTION GIVING ME A MESSAGE:  This is someone from HEAVEN speaking to me & telling me I am spiritually beautiful, I have a lot of LOVE – symbolized by my breasts.  It could be for saying the Holy Mass every day this month.  And it could be this Saint or angel is giving me a revelation about something, now following: ***

 

          There was this guy I used to be infatuated with named Carlos & I’ve not seen him for a long time.

 

          *** CARLOS:  Indeed, a creepy guy I once ‘loved’ but this is not about him, it’s about JOHN & how awful he was to me when we were together.  But this dream is not about me personally, it’s about RUTHIE I sense, given me by this angel or saint, about John & her, how he’s relating to her right now as she is badly injured, recovering from an accident which will take months, & he might be visiting her at her recovery place this day as it’s Sunday.  It could be he appears as CARLOS the CREEP again because Carlos was a Gigolo/user, & he lived off this young female who gave him everything, the roof over his head, everything he had - & he was scum & ran around on her with many women & he did all sorts of creepy things like robbing the females he dated – two of them told me about it.

The reason he appears as this scumbag is because now this will show how he will be wicked to Ruthie, after she’s supported him for several years.  {Of course she did not have to keep him & support him, she should have released him to me, whom he loves in true love, & I love him. But she got her way & now will PAY FOR IT.} ***

 

          I’m at a table with a few friends just chatting & asking questions about the past, & then I take note the guy to my right is a buddy of Carlos, & just by-the-way I ask him what’s going on with him.  The guy sitting is a plain guy with a top that is kind of salmon / pink large round designs with borders, not bright, sort of dull, & he tells me something that I don’t recall.

  It was like ‘I care but don’t care’ re Carlos – he was a creep, I was madly in love, he hurt me so badly, but as long as the friend is here, might as well find out what he’s been doing.

 

          Then I’m like walking along the road in a public place like downtown, & I’m wearing my black maxi-coat, it’s from long ago when they were popular, early to mid-eighties.  My hair is not done & it has a NET on it, I have no makeup & I DON’T CARE if NO ONE LOOKS AT ME OR WANTS ME, I am DONE with that.  I am in a way that invites no one to approach me or try to pick me up.

 

          *** LONG BLACK MAXI COAT, NO MAKEUP, NET ON MY HAIR, NOT FIXED UP, DON’T CARE IF ANYONE WANTS ME, I AM PAST THAT:   That sounds like it could be Ruthie in her present state.  She’s bed ridden, not able to do any type of work, healing broken bones & back, all kinds of surgeries were done including on her face.

          She isn’t thinking about being glamorous, going downtown or anything.  She can’t imagine anyone being attracted to her in this state & she doesn’t care.

          Now my guess is that John, her common law husband, my true spiritual husband, has come to visit her as it’s Sunday, & he’s convinced her that SHE IS DESIRABLE TO HIM FOR SEX.

 

BLACK NET ON HAIR THAT SLIPS OFF AFTER CARLOS CONVINCES ME I LOOK GREAT:  Could be the sad, depressing thoughts of how I feel in my condition, in other words, the net is black, it is like I am a prisoner in a net or cage, feeling no one would want me, but then John will convince me I am beautiful & desirable & such thoughts will slip away. This pertains to Ruthie, of course, not me, I am in her skin, being given this vision by a celestial being from ‘OnStar’ – lol. ***

 

          That’s when I’m surprised when Carlos catches up with me from the right & is chatting me up, saying how great I look, & as he’s saying this the black net with borders over my head {it’s not the thin stretch net, it’s kind of a thick, non-stretch net & is on my hair in layers} slips off to the right, & my hair is beautiful the way it used to look in my early modeling days in layers, like Pamela Anderson.

 

          Next thing I know we’re in a place that’s like in a car, & the constant companion of his is with us, a short little nondescript guy who is like Sancho Panza with Don Quixote, always with him like a servant, a fly on the wall.

 

          Carlos then decides he is going to service my vagina with his mouth & for some reason, thinking ‘What the heck, I might as well, it’ll feel good,’ I consent, & there he is on his back licking it.

 

          *** THE SEX ACT CARLOS BEGINS TO COMMIT:  Could be what it says, literally, or some other kind of sex act that he begins with good intentions. ***

 

          But after a couple minutes he stops & says it tastes awful, & I look & see that I had some kind of infection & put two kinds of medicine on it. One of them being a powder, & he was tasting that, the medicine & power is beige.

 

          *** BUT IT TASTES TERRIBLE, HE CANNOT CONTINUE:  Carlos/John, had good intentions, but the presence of sickness, medications & such is a total turnoff & he cannot continue the sex act.  He has probably never tried to have sex with a person in this condition & he didn’t know how it would feel, but it feels bad.

          For some reason the celestial wanted to tune me into this, I’m not sure why, maybe to just let me know the reality.  It’s her turn to suffer.  She got what she wanted; now she pays the price. ***

 

 https://www.amazon.com/Woman-Thou-Art-God-Religion/dp/171643548X?asin=171643548X&revisionId=&format=4&depth=1